Valentines shmalentines

An Alternative to hearts and flowers?

Well here we go again the countdown began a good few weeks ago now and the pressure has built to the point of red rose frenzy. I have have mixed views on Valentine's day: at it's best it can be a lovely opportunity to take some time out to appreciate someone you love at it's worse it can be depressing, sad and lonely for some.

For those in a relationship it's all good... or is it, what to buy , where to go , can you get a loan to cover the exorbitant price of the odd rose or two, will that restaurant that costs twice the price of any other night serve food that tastes twice as good?

For those not attached the race is on to find a boyfriend/girlfriend in time for 14th February.

The pressure created by the media to be in the 'perfect' relationship is building every day and working in the field I do I hear a lot of people getting worked up towards the big/dreaded day! The focus on the 14th February almost becomes the be all and end all , if it is not 'just right' then he/she clearly doesn't love you. We forget of course that relationships are seldom perfect and even less frequently exactly how they look from the outside

I consider myself to be a bit of a romantic at heart but my feelings on Valentines Day are a little on the skeptical side I have to say. The overall feel of it seems to be superficial to me, my view is be kind and generous to those you love (and those you don't particularly like too if you have it in you) everyday not just on 14th February this is the path to real joy not a one day flash in the pan.

In any case I wish you all a wonderful day be it hearts and flowers or something a little different.

Lots of love to everyone x

Why do we want what we (think we) cant have?

Firstly I have to say I am not sure where I am going with this, but I have been noting something really interesting today: Why is it that we want what we can't have?

Now this is quite a personal dilema for me today as having finished up all the Christmas goodies and been for my last diner out of the festive season I thought this would be a great week to get back to healthy eating, doing some exercise, meditating,drinking water and all that jazz!

Normally I am so not bothered by food that I can forget to eat 'til mid-afternoon (and then end up feeling feint and have to eat sugar quick). When I can eat what I like I am pretty chilled out it has to be said. However here I am today , day one of getting back to my 'healthy lifestyle' fresh fruit, veg, healthy foods, plenty of water, green tea, smoothies and ALL I can think about is food! I am so obsessed that it seems every advert on TV tonight is for something yummy - something not on my 'oh so healthy' list!

Why is this , I want to know, is this just the kid in me that doesn't want to be told what I can't have ? Is just the attention that I have given to my lifesytle by declaring that I am needing to change it up or is there a slightly darker self destructive 'devil on your shoulder' that likes to sabotage my plans for a healthy body?

Psychologically there does seem to be a phenomenon of wanting the unattainable, in fact often the more unattainable something is (or perceived to be) the more you have to have it, just look at the way people queue round the block for the latest phone/tablet/music player being released by 'you know who'. There is really little difference between mark 2 and mark 1 , but OMG what if they run out and I don't get it and all my friends do , I'll never live it down. 

Just to highlight this further a few days ago my neighbour knocked at my door and asked if my cold water was working as her's wasn't. On checking mine too had dried to a pathetic dribble, we did manage to fill a kettle and a couple of bottles in case things took a while to sort out. After investigating there was a burst pipe further up the road and we had no timescale on our supply being back on. Guess how thirsty I suddenly was! As it happens there was no panic the supply was back in just over an hour but it just goes to show  - we always want what we can't have.


The phenomenon certainly carries over to our love lives too in many cases, chasing after the 'oh soooo attractive' man/woman that we are not supposed to chase, the boyfriend that our family doesn't approve of . Probably the most famous love story of all time was based around two families that couldn't stand the sight of each other and how their beloved children fell in love and tragically took their own lives......'My only love sprung from my only hate' Juliet Capulet - Romeo and Juliet . The fascination with these doomed lovers never seems to end, and the story has been retold again and again in various different formats, could it be that we all relate to the forbidden love that forms it's background?


Now there does seem to be a scientific explanation for some of this , and it would take all day to really go into this in detail as it's massively complex, but there does seem to be a connection between the levels of  production of the neurotransmitter dopamine and the time we have to wait for something we desire. Basically the longer we have to wait, anticipation builds and so does dopamine, dopamine makes us feel good hence the object of our desire is even more attractive. I have probably over simplified but you get the gist.

The up side of this is that it does keep us motivated in a positive way, for example those who keep working towards that dream job are prime examples of how to put this phenomenon to good use . 

So in summary , it seems we are kind of stuck with wanting the unattainable, however, often it is only our perception that makes it unattainable, I actually had chocolate in my fridge I could have eaten today I just chose not to because I wanted to be healthier, now I just need to let the dopamine know that vegetables are pleasurable, if I find out how you will find me blogging from my new villa in Florida on the back of the profits from my new book 'Veg is sexy'!

©JaneHeron2015

Anger...... A wasted emotion?

Anger  - is it a wasted emotion 

I heard someone say on a TV programme I was watching yesterday that they thought anger was a wasted emotion, but is it, I am not sure I agree.

Some of the most important changes in our world have taken place because someone got angry, someone stood up and said it’s not right that women don’t get to vote, black people are slaves, the people that died at Hillsborough don’t get justice. Someone got angry, got up and fought and in doing so they changed things.

I feel it’s the anger that drove the people that fought for these causes forward; it’s the anger at losing someone to a disease like cancer that drives someone to run a marathon to raise funds in their name. Of course underneath the anger there is often extreme sadness but it’s the anger that is the catalyst for change. Anger is an energetic force where as sadness, although equally valid, is a more submissive energy, being sad about an injustice rarely changes things, being angry about it often does.

A counselor once said to me as I struggled with my anger, ‘Anger is a valid emotion, and it’s useful, it cuts through a lot of bullshit!’. He was right it does.

 My feeling is that anger is important and needs to be acknowledged. It is as valid as any other emotion, and to deny it is like denying any other emotion or part of you. If you see that your anger is part of you and you are able to embrace it, it’s like embracing your shadow, owning and accepting the parts of you which you see as not so acceptable can be very empowering.

Now I am not saying it’s ok to go rioting in the streets, or to hold on to anger so that it festers inside you and eats away at you.  I feel that when anger really is wasted or destructive is when it is held onto without being used in a positive way or it explodes into violence(although many things would not have been changed with out it - but that's a different story). 

If you can find a way to acknowledge it and then release it or use it to achieve something positive, like getting those running shoes on and tackling that marathon in the name of a lost loved one – then it really is not wasted.

Obviously these are just my personal opinions and I would love to hear yours  so please feel free to comment on this post, and don’t forget that there is help out there if you are struggling with anger, loss,  sadness or any other related issues, counselling helped me deal with mine and it really can be beneficial.

©JaneHeronApril30th2014 

www.complementarycare.org

Stuck!

Moaning vs the positivity police

I have been really struggling for what to write here for a little while, I have found that things have been a little stuck business wise and I think that has affected the creative juices.

So in desperation I thought I would get it out in the open. I'm stuck! There said it. 

I gave it some thought and  remembered that as a counselor I would always encourage difficulties to be aired. There is power in just speaking the words, and getting things out into the room. So I thought possibly the same technique may work here and bingo ! A two whole paragraphs. On a serious note actually speaking the words on something that is blocking you can really help , the relief in admitting to or acknowledging something can be like breaking the dam and the emotion and understanding that follows can be amazing.

Having given my 'stuckness' some thought I do feel that there were several causes. Firstly everything around me seemed stuck and so , I will admit , there was a bit of grumpy sulking going on. Which really wasn't great for encouraging creativity.

Secondly I was very conscious of not being a 'moaner'. Each subject I thought of seemed to lead to a big old moan, and I am a great believer that moaning is a bit of a waste of energy. It's really much better to take action and here I think is where my real problem lies. I am currently dealing with some discrimination from an organisation who really ought to know better and because they are a monopoly there really is not much I can do. Hence I am feeling a bit impotent , and that I am afraid to say has overflowed into other areas of my life including this blog. 

Finally although I do believe that remaining positive can really help (I have first hand experience in this) I am getting increasingly hacked off with therapists/life coaches/spirtual counselors etc who say ' I can find the positive in anything'. Bullshit! Excuse my french but sometimes things are crap - they just are , and accepting that is part of life. It's accepting that, working through it and finding a way to be positive afterwards that is the real skill.

So I have accepted that being stuck is crap, I have worked through what I feel is causing the 'stuckness' and accepted that I will deal with what I can and try to let go of what, right now, I can't change and trust in a little bit of karma. By doing this I have started to make some progress, baby steps working on things I can change has bought me to different places and I have met new people and once again things are up and running!

This blog post is just a personal exploration of what being stuck is like for me and what I did, I hope it helps anyone else that reads it. Please feel free to add a comment or any ideas you have for dealing with 'stuckness' in your life. And please don't forget there is always help out there to talk through these and bigger issues if you feel you would like to.

Thank you

©April2014JaneHeron ComplementaryCare

http://www.complementarycare.org/

Twitter @CompCareBex 

www.facebook.com/pages/Complementary-Care/334378913343145

Blue Monday

Time to Beat Blue Monday!

When I woke up this morning I had a great long list of 'stuff' planed to get done, all those boring got to be done jobs that inevitably get on your nerves so you put them off!

The first job on my list was to phone a well known provider of TV /Broadband/Telephone services as I figured that 6 years of customer loyalty might just warrant a little review of price , especially bearing in mind that a new customer can buy the same package a whole lot cheaper, you probably know where I am going with this , yes you guessed it unfortunately 'Kirsty' couldn't help me as they had nothing to offer existing customers, ah well plenty of other suppliers out there! All the while I was doing this I am watching the TV banging on about it being 'Blue Monday' apparently the most depressing Monday of the year - strangely I thought that was Black Monday last week but hey I can be flexible on that. 

This being noted I put away my list of things to to knowing full well that no one will die if I leave them until tomorrow and decided that today might be better spent doing things that lift the spirits rather than add to the stresses!

So I spent a few hours doing some work this morning, did some advertising etc and then did what everyone says you 'should' do and went for a walk , on the way I progressed my de-cluttering project and took a pair of boots I don't wear any more to the charity shop, on the way back I bumped into my neighbours and had a really nice chat and a giggle with them, it really works, I felt 100 times better! 

So for what its worth here are my top tips for coping with Blue Monday / Black Monday or any other day that feels a little bit crappy for that matter!

1. Go outside, even for ten minutes, a short walk in the fresh air , even better if the sun is out , but appreciate that's not always possible!

2. Have some time with nature/pets appreciate the wildlife around you even if it is just the pigeon sitting on the lamp post outside your window, pigeon's are pretty cool too they can fly and everything!! If you have pets so much the better it doesn't take long for a pet to put a smile on you face , if you stop bimbling around and give them a chance to!

3. Talk to someone, go out, talk to people you meet, neighbours, the man that serves you in the shop, ring a friend, talk to people, communicate , interact, take part in life  - it helps , it really does (try to make it someone who is quite positive if possible whilst a good moan can help, it doesn't really raise the spirits and that's what we are about today!).

4. Eat something yummy, if you like berries and fruits and stuff  - great have them, they are brilliant , good for you and energising, terrific! If they and all things healthy really don't float you boat have something that does , don't eat ten star bars a day for the rest of you life obviously , but a little of what you fancy does do you good !

5. Do something for someone else , take something you don't need to a charity shop , you get to clear it out and have some space, they hopefully get some money for it and they spend it on something useful for someone who needs it - everyone's a winner!

6. Smile! Just do it even if you don't feel it , you can and it helps - honestly , if you think you can't the are hundreds of funny video's on youtube, go on I dare you , skive off work for 5 minutes and watch a cat talking/someone fall off something/favourite Monte Python sketches , take your pick!

Now I am not saying that if you have something in your life that you are grieving over or that you feel terribly sad about that you must be happy and smiling. It is is extreamly important to honour those feelings , and to allow yourself to do that, and there is help out there if you feel you need professional help to work through those feelings. I am certainly not one of the 'positivity police' as I do believe that both happiness and sadness are all part of our life experience, after all without one how would we recognise the other! But hopefully the above tips might help someone approach a gloomy day and make it a smiley one!

Please feel free to comment and if you have any tips of your own you would like to share that would be great - thanks x

©JaneHeronJanuary20th2014

Depression

Much is written about depression, much is discussed many opinions are held and to be honest I believe that as it affects each person so differently it is very tough to give an overview which is of value. 

However a good friend of mine copied this to me today and I thought it was well worth sharing, it's an easy to watch insightful view of what living with depression can be like, please give it a watch, it's worth it, and if just one person looks at it and says I think I understand that a bit better now it will have done a great job!

Thanks for reading !

http://www.upworthy.com/what-is-depression-let-this-animation-with-a-dog-shed-light-on-it?g=3&c=ufb1

Stress - continued ......

Stress  cont'd....

I was recently reminded of a story I heard about stress, and I wanted to share it here as I have personally found the analogy very thought provoking and useful, particularly if you are the sort of person who just keeps absorbing stress and expecting to be able to deal with it. 

I also use it when with clients who see there inability to cope as a weakness rather than just a sign that enough is enough!

A psychotherapist was visiting a big corporate organisation to give a seminar on stress management, at the beginning of the session she took a half full pint glass of water in her hand and showed it to the room. As you can imagine the delegates all started to prepare themselves for the glass half full glass half empty speech and so where quite surprised when she asked them to guess how much the glass of water weighed.

Various guesses were received from around the room as the delegates tried to work out how much the glass weighed , after a few minutes the psychotherapist said... of course it doesn't really matter what is weighs you know, but what I want you to think about is if I asked you to hold this glass with your arm outstretched for 2 minutes you all could quite easily, but what about 2 hours, or 20 hours or 2 days! The weight of the water would not have changed but it would have got a whole lot more painful to carry! It's the same with stress, if we can find a way to let is go it doesn't have to be painful but the longer we hold it the more likely it is to hurt!

I love this idea, it really does help to enable people to stop thinking of not being able to cope as being weak, when really it's just the you have held onto things for far to long !

So please find a way to let it go, it will be different for everyone as to how you do it , it could be massage, reflexology, counselling, exercise, being with friends, a long hot bath, it doesn't matter what you do, what's important is that you do it !